Should've taken the bus - Act III

Very quickly I realise I’m about to live through Maciej Stuhr’s sketch in real life - press 5 if you don’t want to press anything anymore, or 6 if you’re in a hurry to love people because they leave so quickly.

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Sunday morning. I wake up in “pleasantly” damp bedding, because our tent has decided to end its camping life and started leaking. And we, of course, are probably in the only part of the UK where it’s raining. The whole country has been in a drought for weeks. The whole country except our campsite. Apparently, the Bradford area is a kind of Bermuda Triangle not only aesthetically, but weather‑wise too. There’s no way to dry either the bedding or the tent, because it’s supposed to rain for the next two days.

Having collected enough “experinces” for one weekend, we decide to go home. After a ritual farewell to the tent, we get into our new ride and head towards Nottingham.

After about 2.5 hours my journey comes to an end. The physical journey, that is, because at the same time a much more interesting journey begins - into the hidden corners of the insurance world, the depths of my patience, and the ways in which this world is arranged in the most screwed‑up manner imaginable.

Dramatis Personae 1 - Nationwide Hire

All the correspondence I’ve received so far about the accident has come from Nationwide Hire. From the start I wondered why not from my actual insurance company - RAC - the one I called right after the collision? After a bit of research, I find information on their website that when an accident isn’t your fault, they use so‑called claim management companies. These specialise in extracting money from the other driver’s insurer without touching my policy. Lovely, I think - let the Numpty deal with the problem now.

A few days later I get another email from Nationwide. This time: my car is beyond repair and they value it at £1200. This message both delights and surprises me, because I estimated the value of my Mazda at around £500. Nothing personal, but my blue beast had over 120,000 miles on the clock and numerous rust‑eaten wounds on the bodywork. Could I actually make money on this whole ordeal?

Dramatis Personae 2 – Enterprise

Well, not necessarily – you are punching here Marta. At the end of the week comes message number 3. This time from Enterprise, who provided the replacement car. Apparently, the Numpty is denying responsibility for the accident, and if I want to keep the car, I need to contact my insurance company.

Okay, geniuses - maybe you should get to the bottom of the matter and not just take the Numpty’s word for it? First sign that common sense has no place in the insurance world.

A few hours later - another email from Nationwide Hire. They’re closing my case because they are not able to get money from the third party. Also, my insurance company needs to contact them ASAP because they’re still holding my car and the daily storage fee is increasing.

Dramatis Personae 3 – RAC

So I call: Thank you for your patience. Your call is very important to us and we will be with you very shortly.

Very quickly I realise I’m about to live through Maciej Stuhr’s sketch in real life - press 5 if you don’t want to press anything anymore, or 6 if you’re in a hurry to love people because they leave so quickly.

I bounce from department to department like a ping‑pong ball, because it turns out RAC is only a broker, not the actual insurance company, and they have 276 branches. After 1.5 hours of talking to robots, I finally reach a living person. Emotion, phew, fury - clogs my throat. The lady finds my details and cheerfully announces that: a) they have no record of the accident I reported, b) my policy is online‑only and I have to deal with it there.

God must have abandoned you, I think. Or as my dear high‑school friend used to say - looks like you didn’t piss today.

On the verge of tears I say:

“I don’t care what you do, but you have to help me. Even if I wanted to sort this online, there is no bloody box where I could explain the complexity of this situation.”

The woman transfers me to yet another person. And here appears the first and last positive hero of this story - Mark, who patiently listens to all the details and explains that I now need to contact Ageas, because that’s my actual insurance company - not RAC.

Jesus Mary Joseph and the Wee Donkey. How many subcontractors are in this drama? I feel like I’m in episode 6385 of The Bold and the Beautiful, or in the middle of Greek mythology. Any moment now I’ll reach insurance Hades, and my collision will be handled by Tanatos himself.

It’s 5:30 p.m. I’ve completely exhausted my reserves of patience, faith in humanity, and common sense. I give up for the day and go contemplate the general meaning of existence in this little swamp of absurdity.

Dramatis Personae 4 – AGEAS

New day, new energy - fuelled by litres of coffee and internal rage. I spend another hour and a half giving the woman at Ageas the same details I summarised for Mark the day before. The case is simple. I wasn’t moving, and some idiot drove into me. What is there to discuss?

I also return the replacement car to Enterprise to minimise any potential costs I might have to bear because of this circus run by some invisible clown.

Dramatis Personae 5 - The phantom company

While waiting for Ageas to take the next steps, I go back to the day of the accident and try to answer the question: who the hell did I call then? It wasn’t Nationwide Hire, RAC, Ageas, or Enterprise. The insurance roulette continues.

I check my call history and find a number starting with 0800. I am trying to call them. An automated voice answers: 24 Hour Claims. I give the date of the accident and ask for a copy of the call recording. The man politely says someone will contact me. Of course no one does, and I remain in deep “shi” with zero knowledge about this phantom company.

How the hell did I even find that number? Did some holy confusion descend upon me and I clicked the first random number on some random website? Sure, I was stressed, but generally in crisis I’m like a dumpling in butter. The brain works at full speed, “dark silhouettes of enemies stand out against the bright background of hope, courage rises,” or however Zagajewski put it.

Dan and I begin an investigation on the most trusted source - no, the source of all sources: Reddit. And here another cave of human scheming opens before us. In the worst possible version: “How to screw over your fellow citizen, but just on the edge of legality so they have no defence.” Entire pages about how shell companies impersonate legitimate insurers, buy sponsored ads on Google, and prey on people’s misfortune. And more threads from victims of Nationwide Hire being chased for the cost of replacement cars. My heart rejoices at the thought of the hundreds of pounds I’ll have to pay for an accident I didn’t cause. Where is justice, I ask you, where?

***

After taking a few days of mental breathing space from this whole mess, I try again and call the 0800 number.

“Good morning, can I record this call?” I begin cheerfully. “Why? Why do you want to record it? The call doesn’t concern me, so no. How can I help?”

In Polish conditions I’d consider that level of irritation normal, but in English conditions I feel the guy is already at the edge.

“I called a week ago asking for a copy of the call recording, but I still haven’t received it.” “You know what, I’ll ask my manager to call you. They don’t pay me enough to deal with this.”

Oh great, I’ve stepped on his telephone bunion. About 20 minutes later the manager calls. I explain again: the recording, the data access, GDPR‑schmegdpr.

“It has to be in writing, so please send an email to this address.”

And she gives me the address of the mythical Adam employed at Motor Car Claims. Of course, Google finds no such company, no phone number, no email, but I send the letter anyway. They have a month to respond.

Meanwhile Ageas sends me a valuation of my Mazda: £870. Lower, but still decent. Has the Numpty admitted fault? I call Ageas. Turns out - of course not. The payment offer is independent of how the case ends. The third party’s insurer claims the car was sold before the accident and refuses responsibility. Ageas is waiting for proof of sale, but if they don’t determine who was driving, the case will be considered my fault and my insurance premium will skyrocket.

So now I wait. I wait for the phantom company’s call recording. For Ageas to get to the bottom of the matter. And for Nationwide Hire to wake up and send me a bill for hundreds of pounds.

I wait and think that I’ve completely underestimated public transport. I should’ve taken the bus. Maybe a bit slower, maybe a bit less comfortable, but at least my mental health wouldn’t be shredded.